Along the six years I have been walking the path of the medicine I have identified certain patterns, perhaps the most helpful is that experiences are most vivid and rewarding during moon eclipse times and, to a lesser grade, during full moons. This has been so consistent, that I now plan all my jungle visits solely around these events. My last visit to the jungle coincided with the eclipse of January 10th (2020, south American timing) when a group of friends and I arrived on time for a preparatory tobacco purge and placed all our expectations for a lively Aya ceremony during the lunar event.
It was between excitement, fear and joyful comradery that we gathered in the ceremonial space; I was tired and hadn’t slept much the previous night on the tobacco purge, so I fell asleep shortly after the ingestion. I was awakened by our head shaman Ramon’s chanting with no sense of time passed and the effects already very active on me. The purge was strong but mercifully short, after it I was eager to come back to the comfort and privacy of my cabin and let the visual part of the experience begin, ready to reconnect with the Aya spirit wisdom, care and love that I’ve come to cherish so much.
Back in my cabin’s bed I started sorting my intentions and questions priority. I was trying to decide among the many things I wanted to ask and almost automatically choosed one and said: Ayahuasca I want to know your true essence…. I want to know you and understand you. I want to understand what motivates you, why are you helping us? I’ve had this question in my head for many years now but it just never seemed to take priority in any previous session….. The wise voice answered after a long pause: “are you sure? do you really want to know?” her voice triggered something strange: everything turned surreal and the room space split in two: left and right of my body I could feel very distinct energies and different thoughts and voices coming from both sides arguing…
From the left side the wise voice: “your question, even though you present it nicely, comes from distrust” From the right side, a familiar but not comfortable energy with many voices -that at points I confused with my own thoughts- interrupted: “don’t trust her, what if she is pretending? What if in your strong desire of spiritual experiences, you have denied yourself the opportunity to see that she truly is not a light being?” A rush of fear and anxiety came through my body, could I had been so naive? Could I had been so misled? I had seen great spiritual teachers fail in such darkness tricks and I made an internal decision: today I WILL know. I need to know for certain Ayahuasca, answer to me: Are you of the light? I could sense her contemplating me in a long pause only exacerbating my fears: “I cannot answer to you” her voice coming from my left side. The voices on the right side replied: “She is pretending, can’t you see she is only pretending to help you and waiting patiently to the day you give her your total trust…. she is mimicking the light”
I command that you tell me: are you of the light? “The reason I cannot answer this to you is because anything that I say will be doubted.. but I will tell you one thing: they are right in saying that absolutely everything the light is, the darkness can mimic so… only you can answer this” and as I heard this I felt transported to a small dark room: “This is your heart, seek for the answers” I felt myself mentally and spiritually moving, searching and reaching in a manner even physical my head spinning in confusion and trying to make sense. The left side voice encouraging: “reach more, seek more” until I arrived to a place of light, a place of complete comfort, knowledge and understanding; a place were I knew –with all the core of my being and no shadow of a doubt– that the Ayahuasca plant medicine is a benevolent being of light… I thought to myself: I already knew this! Why am I even asking this? The voice answered: “There is a big difference between believing and knowing. Now you know, and It is only from this place of knowing that real trust can develop. You should know your ongoing distrust is nothing else that distrust on your own. There is no need for me to answer anything really, you can find all your answer here” And as if with those words I had been prompted to test this: I automatically started reaching for answers to other topics where I hold beliefs that I had at times questioned: veganism, different channelings and spiritual practices. One after another I got my answers, guidance and confirmations from that same place of knowing inside my heart…. And as I write this, I get very frustrated as I’m well aware that we all have heard before “find the answers in your heart” it sounds like such a cheesy tagline….so much that for a moment I wish it was something else; and yet is something completely different to have experienced it.
It was a huge relief for me to come to these realizations. I had grown very agitated and scared during the voices debate that had taken place. I opened my eyes to find the right side of the bed full of evil looking snakes, crawling on me… I had to shake myself out of the vision and regretted having traded the safety of the Maloca space for the comforts of my far away cabin and to be now out of Ramon’s help reach. As soon as that thought popped in my head I heard him chanting, a beautiful new song, coming from the surroundings of my cabin: lifting and dispelling all the snakes, cocooning me in a warm safe and loving energy that felt like a big hug. As I basked in the relief and sweet energy the song had brought about, I heard the wise voice said: “It’s me”
The medicine went on to explain the nature of our relationship: In a very vivid vision I was back in Venice seaside where I vacationed a few months ago. There was nobody else but me in the bayside admiring the strikingly beautiful sunset, I could smell the water, feel the sun, the heat and the sweet breeze relief in my neck as I pulled up my hair basking in the breathtaking beauty… “This is the third dimensional experience: the beauty, the physicality. As an existent being that was never born and will never die, I will never experience this directly”. She didn’t say it, but I interpreted this as that -in a way- she is experiencing this through us. I felt an intense wave of love and compassion for this higher dimensional being that had helped me in such profound manners and remembered an image she had shown me earlier when discussing trust: a woman falling back in knowledge that there would be something there to catch her… and I asked: So? Do I get to lay in trust now? “Well not yet because it is a process, but today we have achieved a new level of trust”
In the morning breakfast the conversation was joy filled; all 5 participants had vivid and rewarding experiences. All commented on hearing Ramon singing and chanting across the cabins in the jungle camp (not something usual as he normally would remain in the Maloca caring for whomever needs him). I thanked him for reaching me with his chant just when I needed it most, in a moment where I was overtaken by fear (from the evil snakes’ vision): He just smiled. As we all related our experiences, Ramon was visibly touched, he waited until we all had finished our breakfast to come back and said: “There is something I want to tell you: It wasn’t me chanting around yesterday, you all heard the medicine” Jaws dropped, astonished looks, incredulous faces and loud gasps filled the breakfast table.. I remembered her voice saying: “It’s me” which I had assumed as “I brought Ramon to help you” and once again I let myself be struck by the awe and wonder from this world full of magic where I’ve come to live