Ayahuasca and My Pregnancy

“You will be having a baby girl soon” said our head shaman Ramon in my Jan/2020 lunar eclipse jungle visit, his words took me aback not because I considered it out of the question but rather because I never heard him before making a “prediction”. A few months later the pandemic would hit and I turned 40 both facts looking back shifted my life priorities

Near my August birthday I dreamt about a small boy with expressive eyes eagerly asking me: I so much want to get to know this world, would you show me? My heart melted in his sweet eyes and I said off course little one. When I was about to start walking with him into beautiful streets in a rush of fear  I hesitated and thought: “maybe it’s not safe” but a voice responded in my head: “Wherever you go, I’m going with you: there is nothing to fear” and I had the certainty this came from my own inner divinity sometimes  called our “higher self”; so we went on and walked around for a bit; before leaving me he stared at my soul and said “I love you”…. When I woke up, I had tears of emotion and love for the unknown child…the depth of his eyes, the innocence and eagerness of his request… months later I would still cry when retelling the dream. One joyful September morning we confirmed our pregnancy after only a couple months of actively trying (before my sacred plants path I haf faced PCOS related infertility); I immediately correlated my pregnancy with Ramon’s prediction and had long forgotten the dream by then.

I always knew that -if and when pregnant- I would not stop my sacred plants path commitment; I would not let the fear mongering ways of our modern science quiet the ancestral knowledge of hundreds of tribes worldwide using these for millennia (in my native Ecuador alone Quechua women drink ayahuasca while pregnant since at least 2000 BC) nor was I going to silence my own inner guidance and deep trust in the light filled medicine that had aided me for years.  I found myself needing its help and guidance soon; I became prey to spiritual attacks at night and disturbing dreams my whole first trimester – this was so confusing and offsetting!! I had experienced nothing close to it since my childhood and adolescence,  this time I wasnt fearful and felt a detachment through them. I knew it was not me they were after, and that whatever this was, was triggered by the new life inside me so; when an in law visited the country for jungle ceremonies and while in my second trimester already, I decided to tag along. I spent a couple of days there, with high expectations of the ceremonies to get rid of whatever was attacking us and fully looking forward to meeting the soul of my baby; however I ended up having two frustrating “silent” ceremonies: mild purge, no visions, no wise voice, no messages, no highly anticipated encounters….. i was trying not to get discouraged but it seemed as if the medicine had different plans.

At around my 7th month I came to another personal crisis when I was informed my husband would not be allowed in the delivery room and that I was expected to use a mask through childbirth! this announcement forced me to face all the avoided fears regarding childbirth I had and set me off into an anxiety frenzy and major researching effort. I learnt everything I could about what should I expect that day and my alternative options; this certainly not helped my anxiety, added a stack full of fears (knowledgeable now of all the potential complications and the cruelty of the modern “standard” of care) I grew convinced of the need to drastically change plans regarding type of delivery, doctors and hospital; the fact that I was having to deal with this so close to the actual date really wrecked my nerves. I knew this was beyond me; so many emotions to deal with, so many decisions to make, so many fears to face; it made sense for me to seek the help of my plant teacher; too heavy now to travel to the jungle at the beginning of my 8th month of pregnancy I decided for a home ceremony on the full moon night Feb 26/21

I prayed intensely for assistance and did not wait long for the wise voice comeback. She spoke first about “silent” nights explaining my last visit to the jungle I was too afraid to hear the real sex of our baby (I had made my mind it would be a little girl…) and too scared of being told about anything that could go wrong with the baby… a subconscious distrust had implanted in me when in a previous ceremony I was foretold the death of a beloved pet.  She assured me visions/communication would only be muted if WE ourselves decide not to allow it; the key problem being most of time this process is a completely subconscious choice leading to the path follower discouragement and even abandonment of the practice.

She went on to explain about the actual birthing experience and how absolutely everything we believe normal about childbirth (length, risks, pain and associated interventions needed) is NOT what should be considered normal but rather the result of the woman being disconnected from its own inner guidance, overtaken by FEAR and in hands of a cruel medical system intentionally designed for her failure. She continued explaining: It all originates in the emotional connection to the key childbirth hormone oxytocin. On one side of the equation, we have the emotions of TRUST and LOVE which trigger, allow and encourage the massive oxytocin release needed to start labor and make it progress in a timely manner while acting as a natural opioid influencing pain and pleasure receptors. On the countering side we have cortisol (and adrenaline while in the early stages when not yet needed), triggered primarily by FEAR: interfering, delaying and even suppressing the much-needed oxytocin release. Is not hard to understand why a woman’s has everything set up so she immediately goes towards the adrenaline/cortisol side: from eating habits that would make her prone to it (caffeine, high sugars), fears from previously implanted mental images of childbirth pain by religious and media emphasis and the big one: the conventional hospitals set up with harsh lighting, painful intrusive examinations from unknown people, restriction of much needed movement (some hospitals still restrain arms and hands) just to begin with. Massive cortisol and too early adrenaline pumping will inevitably lead to her being diagnosed with ”untimely progression” and administered synthetic oxytocin which leads to unaturally intense and frequent contractions; the use of opioids is pretty much guaranteed by then….. is all downhill from there with sensations numbed making women prone to untimely pushing and tearing, the birth of sleepy babies unable to connect with the mother and trigger the hormonal rush needed in turn to kickstart  lactation. Women never stood a chance.

The wise voice continued explaining: You need to know that your own higher self and I will be assisting you in the day, ask yourself  haven’t we assisted you in many other circumstances of way lesser importance?;  several past moments flashed through as I remembered the beging of my sacred plants path when I was ridden with anxiety before ceremonies fearful of the experience and the taste of the brew; consistently about one hour before the ingestion I would be put into a deeply relaxed state (I swear it feelt as if I was given Xanax! barely able to keep awake), over time I came to joke about it calling it the medicine “Stay still hypnotic command”; During another occasion I was so afraid of the purge I was taken out of my body and made watch all from the upper corner of the room without experiencing anything of the discomfort my body must had been going through on the heavy purge taking place down in the mattress. Did you really think we would leave you alone that day? Its not necessary to drink the medicine -we are already with you- it would help however to have some of the energy in a closed bottle nearby (I now understand why the Shipibo women drink a full dose at the earliest sign of beginning labor) and listen carefully: you will have only one job that day and this is to relax in the knowledge that you are not in control, that is now time to trust that your higher self is in charge and knows what she is doing, that there is no one in this world that could help you in a better way than her; and -as the event progresses- to notice when and where in your body you are beginning to tense up and hold fear, actively releasing it with breath and intention. I was shown a simple breath and given several examples of how fear and tension contraction feel in the energy body as well as several opportunities to practice the right attitude and breathing. Being pointed out the subtle cues in my physical and energy body and the changes I was looking for when I relaxed it and opened them in the state of trust and surrender that I was aiming for.

After this we went into an extraordinarily strong purge phase, definitively the most intense I have ever experienced, and I was told we were clearing lifetime after lifetime of childbirth trauma and loss. There were moments I feared not been able to  breath but again and again at the last minute I would be given a timely break to catch my breath …. It will feel the same the delivery day, just remember to keep on with the breathing and letting go on trust, this is how you get yourself out of the way and avoid interfering.

The night continued with strong purging and at some point I was clearing my distrust and massive need to be in control, later on my previous issues with PCOS and infertility as well as different sources of trauma. Many other topics were discussed and purged on but unrelated to the issue of childbirth so I won’t go in detail on this post but included: how entities manipulate us, what is happening with the massive jail killings and the elections in my country, some family conflicts, even the role of Tibetans in this world) The important thing to notice for now is that every strong purging opportunity was used for me to practice the releasing of fear, the opening and the surrendering into that higher intelligence directing this ceremony: I was feeling everything but at the same time I was very detached in the trance. After hours of this I complained is this ever going to end? I feel like I have ran a marathon. The wise voice replied on that day, when you experience this exhaustion repeat to yourself its ok to feel tired but that you don’t need to worry because anyhow you are not the one doing the job, just let it be observe and continue breathing into trust…

Shortly after this I experienced a peak I was overtaken in a cosmic explosion, a second of massive creation of new galaxies and universes and I felt Aya speaking through my own voice: “This is the miracle of life, the ectasis of creation; one single spark of the divine incarnated in the physical world creates thousands of possibilities: colors never seen, flavors never tasted, opportunities never played out before: the very essence of expansion”. It was hard to listen to the words as I was massively overwhelmed by the ectasis  and the love for my boy; his energy now fully present, trying to catch a little breath among the open stream of tears I told him how much I love him feeling it with every fiber of my being, an indescribable love… the wise voice came back with last remarks: When a women truly connected experiences childbirth she merges with the original creator -which is by the way a female energy that doesn’t care everybody thinks she is male- This is but a small preview and it is our promise; you will be DE-LIGHT-ED.

It has taken me days to come down from this blissful state; all my fears and anxiety were lifted. I went from having chosen a traditional reputed doctor and hospital with a pre-arranged epidural request to deciding for an intervention free, unmedicated natural birth. Most importantly, as I write this now at my 31st week I am joyful and eager to have the opportunity to get to live this sacred experience.

The “Dark” Side of Ayahuasca. Drinking During a Lunar Eclipse

Along the six years I have been walking the path of the medicine I have identified certain patterns, perhaps the most helpful is that experiences are most vivid and rewarding during moon eclipse times and, to a lesser grade, during full moons. This has been so consistent, that I now plan all my jungle visits solely around these events. My last visit to the jungle coincided with the eclipse of January 10th (2020, south American timing) when a group of friends and I arrived on time for a preparatory tobacco purge and placed all our expectations for a lively Aya ceremony during the lunar event.

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Meeting The San Pedro (Huachuma, Aguacoya) Spirit. San Pedro Cactus in Ecuador

imageNothing can prepare you for your first San Pedro encounter, to begin, there is nowhere as much information about it online or books written as there is for Ayahuasca; Almost everybody I’ve asked to describe their SP experiences has answered: “It’s hard to put into words”, and it has always taken me several days before I’m able to even attempt to journal my own SP experiences.

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Aya Intervention. Im still here…

Seeking to deepen my relation with Aya I signed for a week-long retreat that also offered the opportunity to experience San Pedro (Huachuma Cactus) another sacred plant I didn’t know anything about until the retreat started, and I quickly realized I should have done my due diligence research. Some of the experienced participants shared what I should expect and this included: 8-16 hours journey, blending of dimensions, seen with eyes open and losing emotional control……By then I had heard enough and couldn’t help to have all my fears re-awakened. Every fear I had experienced before Aya, and more, came back to me…Among them, my biggest was encountering dark forces and the sleep paralysis  feeling of “dying from asphyxia” that often accompanied such encounters for me… These two fears -I was grateful-  had not manifested with Aya… and I was literally freaking out contemplating the possibility they may take place now experiencing San Pedro.

One hour before the first SP ceremony I needed to seek for organizers to let them know I didn’t feel ready and I couldn’t bring myself to it. I prayed and asked Aya to help me out and either give me the strength to go through this or give me the clarity to make a call and cancel this off if this was not right  for me… As soon as these thoughts entered my head I started hearing a VERY loud buzzing,  it did not came from anything outside but it was rather inside my head… It was the exact same sound I heard in all my previous Aya encounters right before the experience started… I had come to recognize this sound as a “hello I’ve arrived – I’m here”  message… Mind you however,  this time it was more than 42 hours since I had my last dose (of a rather disappointingly weak, no effects producing, Ayahuasca brew in this center in the mountains) so, this was absolutely not supposed to happen. I could not believe myself, it was the most surreal thing ever to happen to me the buzzing lasted for at least 5-8 minutes of loud clear, consistent and strong noise in my head….I knew she was there with me and was letting me know everything was alright, that She was just as active and alive working on me as if I had just drank a heavy jungle style dose just 20 mins ago. I felt so reassured  by this that my fears lifted. Beyond lifting current fears, this caused something even deeper, this gesture of hers, brought tears to my eyes and made me feel way more than just reassured… This was a ultimately cathartic moment for me; It was the very first time in my life that a being from the supernatural side had shown kindness and love to me… particularly when I have been paralyzed by fear… It  reminded me of the countless times growing up when I was attacked by visions of demons and entities and had prayed to God, the angels, and any “light beings” I could possibly think off to encounter no response, literally hundreds of times… the loneliness and guilt / shame for feeling abandoned by God for years had left strong marks on me. Now, having her show up in such an undeniable manner.. it moved me, it made me regain faith on the path and I was touched to levels I find hard to describe in this post…

The very exact same experience was to happen one more time the same week, the next time I found myself paralyzed by fear at the highlight event of the retreat, where we were supposed to confront complete darkness in a 7 hours sweat lodge under the influence of 3 medicines: Peyote, San Pedro and Ayahuasca. I asked again: are you there? And sure enough, about 20 mins before heading to it (and several days after my last Aya dose)  I got my answer.. the strong buzzing and the overwhelming love energy took over me once again for  5-8 eternal minutes while I cried alone in my room healing tears..  For the first time in a lifetime of encounters with the spirit world someone or somethins was on my side and I didnt feel alone …

Aya Speaks – visions, a female or male spirit?

The second ceremony night in this visit I experienced the same gentleness and lack of body symptoms, the wise voice made its appearance significantly earlier and I lost no time in presenting my  questions. Why do I hear you as a man when everybody else’s seems to identify you as a female? The voice responded shifting from male to a women’s voice: “Because you distrust women” before shifting back to a male presence and voice.

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