Seeking to deepen my relation with Aya I signed for a week-long retreat that also offered the opportunity to experience San Pedro (Huachuma Cactus) another sacred plant I didn’t know anything about until the retreat started, and I quickly realized I should have done my due diligence research. Some of the experienced participants shared what I should expect and this included: 8-16 hours journey, blending of dimensions, seen with eyes open and losing emotional control……By then I had heard enough and couldn’t help to have all my fears re-awakened. Every fear I had experienced before Aya, and more, came back to me…Among them, my biggest was encountering dark forces and the sleep paralysis  feeling of “dying from asphyxia” that often accompanied such encounters for me… These two fears -I was grateful-  had not manifested with Aya… and I was literally freaking out contemplating the possibility they may take place now experiencing San Pedro.

One hour before the first SP ceremony I needed to seek for organizers to let them know I didn’t feel ready and I couldn’t bring myself to it. I prayed and asked Aya to help me out and either give me the strength to go through this or give me the clarity to make a call and cancel this off if this was not right  for me… As soon as these thoughts entered my head I started hearing a VERY loud buzzing,  it did not came from anything outside but it was rather inside my head… It was the exact same sound I heard in all my previous Aya encounters right before the experience started… I had come to recognize this sound as a “hello I’ve arrived – I’m here”  message… Mind you however,  this time it was more than 42 hours since I had my last dose (of a rather disappointingly weak, no effects producing, Ayahuasca brew in this center in the mountains) so, this was absolutely not supposed to happen. I could not believe myself, it was the most surreal thing ever to happen to me the buzzing lasted for at least 5-8 minutes of loud clear, consistent and strong noise in my head….I knew she was there with me and was letting me know everything was alright, that She was just as active and alive working on me as if I had just drank a heavy jungle style dose just 20 mins ago. I felt so reassured  by this that my fears lifted. Beyond lifting current fears, this caused something even deeper, this gesture of hers, brought tears to my eyes and made me feel way more than just reassured… This was a ultimately cathartic moment for me; It was the very first time in my life that a being from the supernatural side had shown kindness and love to me… particularly when I have been paralyzed by fear… It  reminded me of the countless times growing up when I was attacked by visions of demons and entities and had prayed to God, the angels, and any “light beings” I could possibly think off to encounter no response, literally hundreds of times… the loneliness and guilt / shame for feeling abandoned by God for years had left strong marks on me. Now, having her show up in such an undeniable manner.. it moved me, it made me regain faith on the path and I was touched to levels I find hard to describe in this post…

The very exact same experience was to happen one more time the same week, the next time I found myself paralyzed by fear at the highlight event of the retreat, where we were supposed to confront complete darkness in a 7 hours sweat lodge under the influence of 3 medicines: Peyote, San Pedro and Ayahuasca. I asked again: are you there? And sure enough, about 20 mins before heading to it (and several days after my last Aya dose)  I got my answer.. the strong buzzing and the overwhelming love energy took over me once again for  5-8 eternal minutes while I cried alone in my room healing tears..  For the first time in a lifetime of encounters with the spirit world someone or somethins was on my side and I didnt feel alone …