I had come back to the jungle for an intimate ceremony, it would only be me accompanying my little brother (31 now but hey, little brothers will always be little brothers right?) as he had decided to experience Ayahuasca for the first time. The night was moonless, rainy and cold. I was served half a glass and was grateful I could swallow the thick liquid in only one shot
The effects came in about an hour, I felt my body extremely heavy as well as my eyes. Something seemed different, there were no signs of the friendly snake, the voice and the motherly love…. a feeling of uneasiness kept growing and I could not pinpoint where it was coming from. The air was filled with this presence, heavy, certain and invisible. I was lost in my thoughts when my vision started to become two dimensional; after this, things happened very quickly and it was as if invisible hands took the now paper flat looking reality, and literally ripped it apart in front of me… I was left alone in the darkeness of void space (me and my mattress – go figure), with a big hole in my stomach and nauseating vertigo; feeling in the nothingness, the emptiness, the darkness…. everything had disappeared and I had my hands gripping my mattress, the only piece of my reality left standing. I didn’t know the meaning of real terror until that day.
I don’t know how much more time passed. I must have passed out and I was awakened by voices chanting. It was something sinister, like out of a horror movie, and I don’t know how I knew -but I knew- I was listening to satanic chants…. almost inmediately the feeling of two hands in my neck, someone was choking me…. When I opened my eyes and the reality was back in place I distinguished the profile of a presence on top of me so I pushed back hard… this presence was propelled out of the ceremonial space. I was not new to this type of attacks; I had experienced them endlessly growing up when lurking “in between” my physical and astral body. Didn’t know they were possible during Ayahuasca trance, I had come to trust the protections set in place by Ramon (the head shaman) and Jan (his helper)
I would have not make much of this if it wasn’t by the fact that the same entity or spirit attacked me several more times during the night, every time with the same outcome I would propel it out of the maloca only for it to wait until I was distracted again, where it would launch viciously against my neck once more. After hours of this, 3 or 4 choking attempts later; I understood I was not going to be able to deal with it myself, so I decided to call on Ramon. I realized I couldn’t, somehow my voice, which quickly became screams, was muted so I couldn’t ask for help. Next, I attempted to stand up, and someone that looked like Ramon -but that I knew inmediately inside me that wasn’t Ramon- came by my side and asked me not to, and encouraged me (for my own sake) to lie down…I played along….
Eventually Jan passed nearby while walking towards the bathroom and I was able to wave at him and collect enough strength to call and ask him to bring Ramon for help. As soon as Ramon came close and started chanting I started purging, over and over, like I hadn’t in long time and not even in my begining sessions. After his cleanse I was able to sleep peacefully for the rest of the night.
When I related this to a sacred plants savvy friend the following morning he suggested “maybe you want to back off on the Datura oil you know, asphyxia feelings are one of its symptoms”.. Datura infused oil… I had been using it as a form of microdosing and had not even crossed my mind that at such tiny tiny quantities I should worry about her interacting in Ayahuasca. Based on the previous night effects I was ready to consider the possibility and set my intent to inquire about it in the following ceremony night
In the next ceremony, The ayahuasca spirit and wise voice showed up fast, probably as a response to my insisting calling. I had all too many questions and she started answering them before I could even formulate them. She went on explaining first that yes, the Datura spirit had “run the show” the previous night, to this I inmediately broke down and started asking for forgiveness, I thought I had been too arrogant, reaching for such a master plant and now I was paying the price of my stupidity (which looking back to me seemed obvious). She answered that I had not reached for it, but that rather Datura had been sent my way as an answer to my prayers to be healed of fears, being her the “fear and darkness specialist” and I felt a huge wave of guilt release. She also explained that I needed not to fear, that the entity that was attacking me did not “break in” any of the shamanic protections of the space, it was only able to attack me because it had been always with me or somehow inside me, coming from a past life where I had belonged to a dark satanic brotherhood and where I had agreed for it to serve as my “kill switch” the strange words echoed in my head. Its purpose was to ensure that if in any future incarnation I would choose to come back to a light path, and anything else failed, it would kill me.
I spent that night in the loving embrace of the Aya spirit, which answered many other questions unrelated to this post. I often wonder how many of the stories of darkness brought about allegedly by Datura, are situations like mine, where only something that was already there was being presented for the purpose of release. For me, as terrifying to the bone as she can be, Datura is nothing but a shining lightbulb that will help us clear our own darkness. Beware though if you go looking for it… you may end up finding it.