I was having a hard time adapting back to my native country and shedding my past identity. I knew answering “I’m taking a break” to the recurrent: so, what do you plan on doing here now? question wasn’t going to be acceptable for long. Above all, it wasn’t the fear of the unknown, the stress of starting from zero, or the social pressure what was bothering me.. what was KILLING me was the lack of structure, not been tied up to a smartphone with an agenda and solving double and triple bookings every am while having my coffee…. The challenge of waking up and having to decide what would I want to do with my day, I just could not -sanely- deal with that……I went back to old habits of tackling anxiety with sugar and diet pills which only furthered into chronic depression
When the opportunity to go to the jungle to drink Ayahuasca came I had little if any knowledge about it All I knew is that as a Pleiadian Lightwork Therapist, my husband, had seen several of his Toronto’s practice patients make leap progress with it. Eventually, one of them visited him in Ecuador for in depth work and thought it was a good idea, while here, to ask him to schedule a visit to the jungle and had some of the magical brew…. I was invited to join.
To say I was fearful of it would be a massive understatement, fear had been my lifetime nemesis. I had been a highly psychic kid that grew up not been able to distinguish visions from reality, haunted dozens of times at night by out of body (obe) experiences and attacks from spirits, aliens and entities of all sort of color shapes and intentions which I would face by assuming fetal position closing my eyes shutting down and placing my hands in my ears while internally begging for it to stop…. It took me A LOT growing up to shut that part of myself down for good. Even long after the experiences stopped, I had slept with lights on until I got married at age 26… Why the heck would I want to drink something that could possible resemble, if not worse, activate back that part of me again?
I also was arachnophobic (thanks to a trauma caused by a funny uncle’s idea of leaving a large plastic tarantula under the bed when I was 3 years old) , this had prevented me fom placing one foot on the jungle or similar environments.. The Amazonian tropics were just not the place for me…..
I also was up most distrustful of spiritual groups, spiritual leaders such as shamans, and of course of entities…. I knew from childhood interactions that some of them were master tricksters. Deep inside I had this idea that all of the fuss about Ayahuasca could be driven by a dark entity feeding on its drinkers making them believe they were been helped. Enthogens as a valid consciousness exploration tool, I had never even heard about it ….
Before the jungle visit I started investigating and was shocked by the amount of information, the passionate testimonies, the life changing stories as well as the accounts of how harsh and fearful and difficult the journey was described. It was its praised ability to heal depression that sparked my interest enough so I joined the group. I would not drink, I just wanted to witness and be there to care for Roberto (my husband) while he would undergo his first experience…..